Growing up I felt very unwanted and very unloved. Not just unloved but as though I were not lovable. I was haunted horribly by words of unworthiness. There was little peace, little joy and a whole lot of turmoil surrounding my home life.
In my teen years I was tossed from one place to another, but also in my younger years. I was in and out of my dad’s home, my grandparents’ home as well as several foster/receiving homes. My dad divorced my mother when I was 9 and his third wife when I was 13. I was not allowed to see my mom after age 11 (unless I snuck visits or calls to her). But I did go to live with her for a summer when I was 15 (more about that another share). The foster/receiving homes were no better than my dad’s home where I was physically abused, verbally abused, neglected and overall treated badly and as an inconvenience.
In high school I knew and associated with the “populars” at the beginning and was living with my Grandparents who were affluent, living in a nice suburban Seattle home. But that changed a bit because of being tossed about and others judging me because of it. I ended up kind of middle of the road, knowing and hanging out with many; the popular’s, nerds, Goth’s, etc… My first high school boyfriend caused me to really feel very different from everyone else. He had little understanding or compassion for what I was going through because it was not his reality. And honestly, I was different, or at least my life was very different from most that I hung out with. When he stopped dating me I fell out of the popular group because of things he shared with them which caused me to feel more like an outcast. It felt as though there was no place for me to go where I could feel accepted, normal, wanted, loved, safe… I just didn’t fit into other peoples “norm”.
One night I got off work late at my telemarketing job. It was a school night and I was scared to ride the bus home and walk the rest of the way alone. I called my dad nervously asking if he could come and get me, big mistake! He did but not without total wrath coming my way.
Once we got home I went straight to my bedroom and closed the door. I had not had any dinner but wasn’t about to go get any or even go to the bathroom until after my dad had gone to bed, I was just too scared. Even typing this right now brings back those tense feelings of absolute fear. I did not want to anger him any further by my presence.
My attempt to hide away in my room failed me. My dad came crashing into my room, he was not done letting me know how horrible I was, how he wished I was dead, etc… I cried and yelled back out of absolute hurt which was my second mistake. I was sitting on my bed and he came at me and grabbed my neck squeezed and shook me while still yelling profanities and hatred at me. He had hit me before but this night I thought he was going to kill me. There was no one to protect me, no one to stop him from hurting me or screaming horrible things at me. I was stuck having to endure the hate that was lashed out on me.
My dad finally pulled away and yelled some more at me. I backed up on my bed away from his reach. As I sat there being verbally battered, sobbing, I could barely see through the tears and all I could think was I’d be better off dead. The more he yelled at me the more the thought of dying overpowered everything else; reason, will... I had a brand new box of diet pills on my table next to my bed and back then diet pills were the really strong stuff that could cause a heart attack easily. I picked it up, cracked the box open and one by one popped the entire box of pills into my mouth with my dad watching. He walked out of the room and simply said “I hope you die B----“.
I cried and cried and cried and then felt a sense of desperation and more fear come over me, “what had I just done!?” I closed my eyes and tried to go to sleep knowing that I was stuck in my room fearful of leaving it to endure more from my dad. I was emotionally spent and could not handle any more from him.
Within a short period of time I started experiencing the worst pain I could imagine. It was a pain that I can’t describe but every bit of me hurt, literally every part of my body. It hurt to cry, it hurt to close my eyes, it to breathe, to move, it hurt to do pretty much anything. Blackness started to surround me and an unbelievable fear overcame me. I wanted to go to my dad and ask him to take me to the hospital but I knew he wouldn’t, I didn’t know who to call or what to do. I wanted to be free from the emotional pain that I had endured pretty much since I was born. But I also realized I really didn’t want to die. I feared God, I had a knowing that suicide was bad and not my right to do. But, I was desperate for something to change, to escape and for better than what I was experiencing.
As I lay there on my bed I started to see demons coming at me, I literally saw what is referred to in the Bible as the gnashing of teeth. The demons were coming at me one after another, clawing at me. I was hearing negative words telling me I was worthless, and “You’ve done it now!”, “It’s too late, you did it, you’re dying and no one will save you”. I hurt so bad that it hurt to think, it hurt to try, I just hurt!
But somewhere within me in the midst of this horrid pain and anguish I was able to cry out to God a quick prayer. I asked God to show me that He was there, to spare my life and to help me to wake up in the morning. I told him how sorry I was and asked Him to show me that He loved me and that I was made for something greater than what I was going through. That was the last thing I remember.
6:00-am my alarm went off, I was alive!!! I was alive but I felt like death. I got myself ready for school and walked the 3 steep hilly miles to my school. I was alive, God saved me but He let me feel every bit of what I did. I suffered greatly that day but I was alive. Through my foggy hurting head I had a message running through my mind that I was indeed meant for something greater than what I was and had endured.
I did not feel loved or cared for by anyone. But God proved to me that I was loved; I was loved and wanted by Him. I couldn’t see Him or touch Him but I knew He was there, watching over me. I had a sense that I had a purpose, He wanted & loved me and would one day show me what that purpose was.
Unfortunately, weakness over took me again two more times. Again, swallowing pills, calling friends crying out to them asking for help, but getting “you’re so stupid, I can’t believe you did that” and click, hung up on. But I was able to throw up the pills not too long after tossing them down. And repenting all night long, again crying out to God for what I had done and begging Him to show me mercy and that He loved and wanted me.
It took several years to really see my purpose, to see my worth, to know I was loved and not just a little bit but tremendously. I look back on those times and see such a sad, sad girl and it breaks my heart. That little girl though met Jesus Christ when she was 4 years old. That little girl threw a royal red-headed tantrum for a Bible so that she could know Jesus and refused to leave a church foyer until she got that Bible. This 44 yr old woman still has that Bible which was given to me on Easter Sunday in 1971. That Jesus and that Bible placed within me something greater than what I was enduring. It placed within me a will to live, a will to find out what I was meant for and a desire to one day fully submit my life to Him.
In the last 18 years I have experienced tremendous grown as a believer. But that growth has been even greater over the past 12 years. I still have down days; I’m not perfect, nor pretend to be for appearance sake. But I do know that I am being perfected one day at a time and that a perfect God, a perfect Savior resides within me. I have grown in my faith, in my love for God, in learning to honor my parents regardless of how they treated me. And also, in learning of God’s great love for me. Each of these growth moments were huge turning points for me and have impacted me greatly.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life and choices I regret. But I belong to a God who is so much greater than my mistakes and regrets, His mercy & goodness towards me have been great. And as I type the fear that I felt at the beginning of this has dissipated by a heart flooded with love for God. My life is His and my greatest desire is to be a servant used by Him to help deliver His loving kindness & joy to others.
Hell tried to take me, but my God said “NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE HER!”
God gave me free will to choose life or choose death. In my desperation I thought death would be better but in the midst of attempting death I realized that I would never get away from myself (the lies in my mind) that I would suffer those thoughts eternally. I knew deep down that I did not want to be separated from God; from Jesus who I called out to since I was a little girl. At my 11th hour I cried out to Him, and in return He heard my cry and answered me with yet another chance to live.
No matter your circumstance there is a God who loves you. He is jealous for you, and is there for you and with you when you call out to Him. You may not see that He is there right away but in time He will show you that He has always been there, through it all. I don’t blame God for the life I had as a child, its not His fault, it was simply life and the choices of others that influenced the course of my early life. My life has not been easy at all, it has been a fight but I know He won’t waste one bit of it either.
I realized that the greater purpose I was meant for is Him. God is my greater purpose, eternity with Him and to experience His love in this life and life eternal. He is my greater purpose and I’ve found out that I am His! I have experienced such an intense sense of love and a joy I never knew I could experience. Once you’ve experienced this, you are never the same and nothing less than this will satisfy. Pursue hard after Him and I guarantee you won’t regret it!
I have my own family now, I have three amazing kids who bless my life in ways I could have never imagined and nearly didn’t experience. I’ve been given the opportunity to reach out to others with God’s hope & love. And truly this has rocked my world so beautifully. Because I cried out, I’ve been able to experience things, moments, places, people… and His love demonstrated in the most incredible and amazing ways. He turned my desperate cries into blessings and continues to.
Taste and see that the Lord is good(!), blessed is the man (woman) who takes refuge in Him. –Proverbs 34:8
For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans not to harm you, plans to bless you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
May God bless your life in ways you never imagined, may you feel His intense love for you and may you know that you were and are destined for greater!
Blessings in Christ!
Tami (Tamara) Blue
